A "Bitter Rift" in the Infidel Community

No, I'm not addressing the error ridden hit piece which appeared on NPR's Morning Edition Monday (October 19, 2009). Nor am I addressing the long standing rivalry between New Age Tin-Hats and those of us who actually put some thought into our positions. IMO, neither the Village Atheist nor the tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy whack-job could possibly prevail in an environment where theories and opinions are always subordinated to facts and observations. Right? RIGHT? RIGHT?Kidding aside, it occurred to me recently that there is a much more important rift taking place that the mainstream media has failed to take notice of. This rift goes right to the very nature of the deity that none of us believe in. Last night (October 23, 2009) I went to see Michael Shermer at Michigan State University and while we were waiting in line to get our books signed I got into a conversation with a devotee of Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now, first off I agree, to some degree, that it really doesn't matter what "name" we call the deity that we don't believe in. After all, noone, be they: furry, noodley, monocroned, pirate or ninja, will face judgement at the end of time. In fact, if current cosmological models are any indication, there will be no end of time.That said, I think that it is important for readers to understand that Ceiling Cat is SUPERIOR to the Flying Spaghetti Monster in every way. Additionally, there seem to be a number of misconceptions about Ceiling Cat and LOLcattery in general which deserve a robust response. Herein I will attempt to make my defense of LOLcattery using only: facts, observations, reason, science and logic. At no time will I resort to such outlandish accusations as that the FSMers are secretly followers of Basement Cat nor shall I resort to emotional appeals such as pointing out Ceiling Cat's cute and cuddly qualities when compared to the sliminess of The Noodley One. What follows is an aggressive defense of my own disbeliefs, it is not, however, intended as a polemic or to offend the disbeliefs of others.

Inferiority of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

No Single Universal Doctrine

Contrary to popular belief, there is not one single Church of followers of The Noodley One. As Richard Dawkins pointed out in his book The God Delusion, very early in the Church's history there was a rift which resulted in Reformed Church of Alfredo in reaction to the so-called "Marinara Heresy" and the influence of Chef Boyardee. There are other sects as well. Within the RCOA there is the Orthodox Alfredist Church and The Primaverans. These are not small differences as: marinara sauce, alfredo sauce and primavera sauce share few, if any, ingredients. At the very minimum it would appear that the FSM CULT can not even agree on the very substance of their so-called deity. They also cannot even agree on the dates for their holiest days, with the Old FSM Church celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19 and the Alfredists celebrating Day of the Ninja on September 19. Now, how holy can a "holy" day be when the church cannot even decide when it is. Additionally, there is a big difference between the style of dress and speech of a pirate and that of a Ninja. On a side note, did you know that the word Alfred comes from an Old English word meaning the council of elves? Now, I'm not trying to indicate that any FSMers in general, or Alfredists in particular, believe in Elves today; but it is one more indication that the FSM Church's doctrines are, in fact, rooted in PAGAN SUPERSTITIONS rather than sound doctrine.

By contrast every LOLcat knows EXACTLY what kind of being Ceiling Cat is. And we even know what kind of cat he is. We know what he looks like.I will grant that there are many aspects of LOLcattery which must be taken on faith. I have seen some very sophisticated arguments from those who have looked up to see a cat poking his head through a hole in the ceiling and claimed it was, in fact, a poor animal trapped in the attic in need of help getting down, as opposed to the creator of the Universe.And there are questions of doctrine that remain, such as whether outdoor cats, who do not have the benefit of ceilings, are having their moments of self-pleasuring monitored or not.These are all very good objections from my rational brethren and sisteren. I would only ask that such rational buzz-kills try and keep in mind that, as Aristotle said "eef kittehz nawt beeleevz in Selen Kat den dey will touch demselvz down thar whin uz haz company over."Additionally, as the above and below photos show LOLcats are free to explore Piracy or Ninja-hood as they see fit without any overriding religious implications. This goes to the doctrine of being "in the house but not of it."Although, something I do wish to make clear: PIRATES ARE COOLER THAN NINJAS and anyone who says different is a bloviating poopy-head.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a: Cruel, Capricious and Inhumane DeityThis is most in evidence with the peculiar doctrine of Unintelligent Design that "The Flying Spaghetti Monster must have been drunk, careless, etc. when he first created life."By contrast all LOLcats know that Ceiling Cat luvz them and only wants them to stop touching themselves down there in front of company. The problem of Eevul in teh Urfs is not because of carelessness on the part of the creator, but rather stems from his or her having granted all kittehz Free will (although we would rather has a cheezburger) and the influence of Basement Cat.

Misconceptions About Ceiling Cat

LOLcats Borrowed Key Doctrines From Older Non-Feline Memes

Now normally I would not stoop to answer these kinds of ridiculous accusations that tend to appear on websites in the "intellectual-low-rent-district" of the infidel blogosphere. But recent conversations that I have had indicate that many of these poorly constructed arguments regarding pre-LOLcat ceiling animals are widely believed. Generally the disseminators of this disinformation are rank amateurs who don't know the first thing about the history of Internet Memes. I don't have time to refute them all, unfortunately. However the best of these arguments involves a mid 2000's cartoon series known as Pon and Zi depicting a young emo couple's attempt to annoy each other and make the entire world as miserable as they are for no particular reason. Ceiling-Cat-Mythicists often point to this cartoon which they claim predates LOLcats by as much as 2 years:While seeming to damn the case for an historical Ceiling Cat, closer investigation of the Pon & Zi collection shows that there was, in fact, a good deal more contact between Emos and LOLcats than was previously known. In fact this image (and I'm sorry I could not find a higher resolution version of it) shows Pon speaking to a LOLcat in LOLspeak:If nothing else, this should raise the question of whether it may not have been LOLcats who influenced Emos, and not the other way around, particularly in light of new archeological finds, such as this postcard, indicating that the popularity of LOLcats predated icanhascheezburger.com by nearly a century:Or this one (that my mother sent me) from 1915, when teenagers were to busy working in the coal mines for $.10 a day to buy their own schoolbooks that were written in Latin and walking miles in the snow to worry about becoming emo, showing an early form of LOLspeak:By the way, LOLcattery and Emoism are not mutually exclusive in any way. I have it on good authority that the crappy poem this Emo-LOLcat wrote was, in fact, about Ceiling cat.Furthermore orthodox LOLcattery is about CHEEZBURGERS not cookies!

Ceiling Cat is a Pervert

One of Ceiling Cat's more controversial activities is that he is "watching you masterbate."This has led some naysayers to claim that, rather than being the creator of the universe and stuff, Ceiling Cat is a "peeping Tom-Cat."Who engages in this activity to gratify himself or herself.This argument does not, however, hold up under close examination.All I have to say is that one would have to have a very high opinion of one's self to think that the creator of the Universe would go to the trouble of crawling into a dirty musty attic and hanging upside down to watch them do something that could be watched from the comfort of one's own home via webcam technology (so I'm told I have no direct knowledge of this).


The Followers of Ceiling Cat Are Aggressively EvangelicalThis is one of the more understandable criticisms and, in my view, it mostly stems from conflating orthodox LOLcattery with pseudo-LOLcat cults such as the Church of the Caturday Saints. And the Ceiling Cat Witnesses.I think that reasonable people can disagree, and I don't deny anyone the right to not believe in whatever deity they feel does not exist. However Happy Cat himself, in his famous Sermon on the Litterbox, stated that throwing truth around to those who are not seeking truth is both unfruitful and unnecessary.To paraphrase he said: "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." Sage advice, particularly the part about the dogs.For this reason you will NEVER see LOLcats going onto college campuses ambushing students like this jerk from the FSM Cult

Conclusion

It is my hope before a reader goes out and erects a statue like this one:To a slimy bundle of lukewarm pasta of unknown Sauceredness that he or she will take the effort to actually check the facts about what it is that they are rejecting using the best intellectual resources available.There are, in fact, unresolved issues within LOLcattery which are worthy of discussion such as gender equality issues:And other civil rights issues.I do not know how these will be resolved.But whatever you do, don't take: medical, financial or spiritual advice from a: comedian, blogger, conspiracy theorist or cat-headed-Darth-Vader ... Ask an expert.


Related: The LOLCat Bible translation project

A "Bitter Rift" in the Infidel Community